What's left.

There are changes in life that one can see coming so far ahead that one can prepare for them, or at least work on adjusting for impact before the big bang, sort of like a tuck and roll maneuver only instead of jumping out a moving vehicle you get to experience the heartache and darkness of life, aaaaaaand then you feel like you've jumped out of a car and tucked and rolled your way to a full stop gaining loads of bruises, broken bones and probable internal hemorrhage :)

Anxiety is something I've dealt with officially since I was fourteen or fifteen, to this day I live with it and cohabitate with it sometimes.

A few weeks ago I started feeling this horrible anxiety about what would be left of me after someone I love dies. It was a very bizarre feeling like I was a pebble washing on the shore and becoming eroded from grinding against the rocks aka my problems, disillusionment and personal tragedies.

This went on for some weeks and finally today I understood what the root of the anxiety was, I was able to put into words and understand what my mind was trying to deduce and foresee but couldn't. It was very simple really, my feelings manifested themselves in a phrase that would jump into my mind at unexpected moments: "what will be left of me?", and today I realized that what my mind was realizing is that something so monumental cannot and will not leave one unchanged and unmoved. The anxiety came from the fact that I could not understand what the outcome would be, in my mind at that time I felt like I would lose parts of myself until almost nothing remained, like a person queuing for the amputation of many limbs who would end up a torso and a head and nothing more. But through talking with my friends last night and thinking about that conversation this morning I was able to realize something, this life altering event that is unavoidable and extremely painful had already started to change me and I am not being amputated of my traits and everything that makes me, me; rather those traits are being magnified and amplified ten fold. Therefore there is nothing to fear. 

My traits make me a good person, because that is what I strive to be, so any change that comes from huge horrible ordeals and tragedies can only turn me into a better version of myself as long as I chose to do so, and for me it comes naturally.

My personality and traits are not finite commodities that will get destroyed by life, quite the opposite I just change and adjust to the new realities and I can control what I become. There is huge comfort in that and it has killed the overwhelming anxiety of those six words: "what will be left of me?".

Reaching out.

Two years ago I created this blog, it was to be all about losing weight and how I was rocking my way to my personal goal.

Two years later I've regained 15 pounds out of the 44 I lost and have had many experiences along the way. My life is in no way the same as it was at that time, nor am I.

The following posts are my attempt at figuring out all the things that have changed and what I am now because of those changes.

The point of writing all of this down is that maybe my story can help someone, or echo in some one's mind and make them feel like this also happened to someone else and not only them.

The other day talking to a student (I work at a University), I had this great feeling just because she said something that resonated on my own experience. Such a small thing made me feel better, if I dare say so. She said that during the night when she wakes up, she does so without remembrance of what's wrong in her life and then it dawns on her. This happens to me a lot, especially during anxious periods of time, and just knowing that it happens to someone else too made me feel vindicated somehow.

This will probably get dark and twisty at some point, emo and morbid even, but bear with me and join the ride into my mind, heart and life... if you wish.

Still going, who would have thought :)

So, after six months more or less, I'm still going strong in my losing weight crusade and have lost 33 pounds total, my first goal I reached a month ago and now I have started my new goal, to reach 130 pounds, in order to do that I needed to lose 10 pounds after reaching my first goal, I've lost three of those and here is a before and after pic of how I looked last October and how I look today. I am really happy with all the changes I've made. I still count calories but allow myself to have a treat once in a while, had cake this monday cause it was my dad's Bday best damned cake ever. Just seven more to go :D

FIRST GOAL DONE!

Today I woke up and wished upon my pillow that I would weigh 141 pounds, even though I had weighed 142 on wednesday, but joy of joys I stand up on my scale and what did it say?, it said I weigh now 140 pounds.

So I have reached the first milestone I have set for myself, I am very happy, the lady who lives on the other side of my block called me svelt which made me very very happy.

Couldn't buy a pair of pants cause they only had one size left aaaaaand... it was too big :O, it used to be that pants wouldn't fit me cause they were too small, even the biggest one, nowadays they are too big for me.

I'm very proud cause I have managed to cultivate enough discipline to do this.

Another one bites the dust.

I so sinned yesterday :S I ate a dessert and another kind of dessert and half a scrumptious sandwich thingy dingli, so yes I am just flesh and bones,the good side, it made me feel strong enogh to continue on this road, I felt slightly nauseous and weird, also the desserts tasted horrible with all that sugar in them.

Ironically I lost another pound. So I am now down to 143 (fingers crossed I still wigh that tomorrow when the official Slimming the Soo Challange wight in happens!).

Picture Day!

It is that time of month again, here comes the pictures! 

I had to buy a new outfit cause all my clothes fit so poorly now lol, so these are the result of four months of work and healthy eating. This week I didn't manage to lose any weight but still I hold my gaze on the prize. 

Substitutes!

Now that I've managed to create a pretty healthy eating routine, I have started to come up with substitutes for all the non healthy things I used to eat, so here are some pretty cool idea for low cal substitutes for yummy but albeit naughty foods.

#1.- SANDWICHES

I used to have sandwiches for lunch twice a week, so finding out that bread is so high on calories and subsequently giving it up altogether, was not good for practical reasons, so what did I come up with?

INSTEAD OF THIS:

I AM HAVING THIS:

It's really cool the amount of calories you can cut off by using corn tortillas (40 cals each) instead of bread (100+ cals each slice)

#2.- NO BAKE LIME PIE :)

This sinfully delicious dessert is a calorie bomb disguised in awesomeness, consisting of cookies, condensed milk and lime juice, it certainly makes for a succulent treat but it also makes you turn into a blip.

INSTEAD OF THIS:

I AM HAVING THIS

That is a lime milkshake, you can make one from one scoop of light vanilla ice cream (65 cals), one glass of milk and lime juice to your taste. The taste is very similar so it is satisfying, even if the texture is of course not the same at all.

#3.- MINT CANDY

I would buy a bag of mint candy and go through it in two days or three, so last week I finally got a craving for it very badly, I thought to give mint tea a try.

INSTEAD OF THIS:

I'M HAVING THIS:

Having a good cup of peppermint tea with let's say half a spoonful of sugar takes care of the craving for mint candy totally. The taste is exactly the same, and after a cup I feel as if I've eaten twenty pieces of mint candy. Delicious.